Word Count: 944
Rating: PG-13
Category: AU/AR, Humour
Notes: Written for the 2010 Dudley Redeemed Fest because of a chat with Katmarajade. It was one hilarious conversation, that’s for sure! Many thanks to Ayla Pascal and Luvscharlie for the beta job!
Summary: This is the true story of how Dudley had to survive during the seventh book.
Pairing: None
Warnings: Cross-dressing
Dedications: Dudley Redeemed Comm
Completed Date: October 10, 2010
Dudley glared at Hestia. “You want me to do what?”
She smirked. “You heard me just fine.”
He groaned loudly. Several months had passed since he and his parents had gone into hiding while those wizards and witches raged war against a psychopath who Dudley hoped he’d never meet. It’d been a long several months of eating nasty food, living in tense conditions, and staying in a flat that was too small compared to his home at Privet Drive.
But Dudley understood all the sacrifices. From what Hestia and Dedalus had told him, he knew Harry was going through much worse. He knew that the real world was a dangerous place compared to the cocoon of his childhood, and he was willing to do anything to protect himself and his parents. As well as Harry. Dudley had no desire to compromise Harry’s safety with any mistake.
After several months of living in this small flat, Hestia and Dedalus had received words that their current location was no longer safe. Luckily, the Order had another safe location ready. The plan was simple. Dedalus would escort his parents to the new location one way, and Hestia would escort him by another route.
However, there was a tiny catch. “I am not wearing those things.”
“You will wear them,” Hestia said pleasantly.
“It’s a bloody dress!” Dudley glared at the paisley-patterned dress. He wasn’t an expert on fashion, but even he could tell that it was the ugliest dress in the world. It was obviously a dress meant for a large woman, as he was anything but petite. He eyed the sleeves, wondering if it would even go over his bulky arms, but he quickly realised that Hestia probably did something magical with the dress to make it fit him.
“I’m well aware it’s a dress.” Her smile turned deadly as her eyes sparked with intensity. “Put. It. On.”
Heaving a sigh, Dudley grabbed the dress, but he still hesitated. “Can’t I just wear something else? Like one of those floppy hats? Or . . . or . . . a beard! That would work!” Dudley nodded eagerly, knowing that beards would fit a bloke better than a dress.
“Oh, for the love of stubborn teenagers! Look, put it on, wear the heels, and don’t forget the wig! And then I’ll do your make-up! It’s either that, or I will do something painful to you.” She paused. “Too bad I’m not allowed to cast magic on you. I would cast a permanent sex change spell on you right now if I could.”
“Hestiaaaaa. Dedalus would never do this to me!” He couldn’t help it. He was whinging, but he didn’t care.
She leaned close to him and smiled. “Although Diggle might seem nicer than me, I’m really far more lenient.”
Dudley blinked. From what he could see, Dedalus was definitely nicer than Hestia. Though Dedalus was a bit over-enthusiastic at times. “Huh?”
“Trust me when I say you do not want to know what his solution would be. Underneath that cheerful exterior lies a very sneaky and sadistic man,” she explained, tossing her black hair over her shoulders. “I know Diggle very well, so stop wasting time! Put the stuff on!”
Under his breath, Dudley muttered, “I know you’re a fucking cow. A fucking bossy cow.”
“What?” Her eyes gleamed dangerously.
“Nothing! I’ll do it!”
“Good.”
The next few minutes didn’t pass quickly enough for him. He somehow got the horrific looking dress, the tight heels that pinched his toes, and the itchy brown, curly wig on. Then Hestia quickly applied some make-up on him, which, he thought, made him look like one of those scary clowns. Like the Joker but ten times worse! When everything was done, Dudley stared into the mirror. “This isn’t going to work!” Dudley muttered to himself.
The world’s ugliest drag queen stared back at him. The dress made him look larger than he usually appeared. He stared at his wide chest; he had no tits, but he didn’t mind. He was not going to wear a bra with stuffings in them. The shoes were already killing him, and he now had a bit more respect for those women who wore heels all the time. The curly wig wasn’t soft at all; in fact, the curls were very hard and spiky. Dudley was afraid that the long fringe would poke his eyes out!
All in all, aside from the pansy-looking dress, the horrible make-up, and the spiky wig, he came to the conclusion he looked like that Trunchbull woman from Matilda.
“There, now we can go. Even though it’s midnight, it doesn’t hurt to take this extra precaution.” Hestia changed her robes into a long Chinese style dress. It was red with golden patterns all over it.
Dudley now looked at both of them in the mirror. The two misfits of the century. “I think we’ll attract attention.”
“How so?”
“I look like I’m going to go to an afternoon tea with the Joker, while you look like you’re going to go to the Chinatown or whatever that place the Americans call!”
“Dudley? Tomorrow’s Halloween. We can say we’re on our way to a costume party.”
“At midnight?”
“Why not?” Hestia grabbed his arm, and he stumbled in his heels. “Now, let’s go.”
As he was dragged along in the dark night, Dudley only hoped that this would work. Last thing he wanted to do was to die wearing all this! And when he reached the safe location, he planned to take everything off and burn them. He didn’t care if he had to shove everything into an oven. He’d do it!