Word Count: 1,972
Rating: PG-13
Category: Drama, Angst
Notes: Part of the Fallen: Remus/James Winter Fuh-Q-Fest (http://fallen.ryoshuu.com) using the challenge # 7 – After the Prank, Remus is spending too much time out in the Shrieking Shack. James is worried. Thanks to Moony’s White Wolf and Titti for betaing!
Summary: After the downfall of Voldemort and the death of the Potters, Remus went back to the Shrieking Shack and remembered his Hogwarts’ days. More specifically James Potter.
Pairing: Remus Lupin/James Potter
Warnings: Slash
Dedications: None
Completed Date: March 22, 2004
Two days went by after the death of the Potters and the downfall of Voldemort. Despite the good weather and the merry celebration of wizards and witches, it was a dark, bleak time for several people. Sirius Black was now under the custody of the Ministry officials for killing Peter Pettigrew and for betraying the Potters. Relatives of Pettigrew were all in despair for him being dead, yet they knew he had died with honour due to the receiving of the Order of Merlin. The Dursleys were furious about having to raise Lily’s strange, unusual child.
There was one other person who didn’t get into the spirit of gaiety. Remus Lupin apparated into the Shrieking Shack with a heavy heart. There was a loud pop, and he looked around the old, familiar place. The first thing he noticed was that the place had not changed since he had left Hogwarts. The scratches on the floor from his claws remained the same; the room was still dark with all the boarding on the windows; the chair in the middle was ripped up; the bed in the centre was the only thing in the room still intact and not damaged. Nothing had changed. Within seconds, memories clashed in his mind, and he started a lengthy monologue, talking to no one in particular, but to himself.
“James and Lily…dead. I can’t believe it. Sirius betrayed them. Then again, Sirius was never good with keeping secrets, was he?” Remus paced around the room with a tense expression.
“Sirius and I had our differences, but why would he join Voldemort and betray his best friend? After doing that damage, he killed Peter. Why? What went wrong? Wait. I’m fooling myself. The whole prank was what went wrong. Because of that, our friendship was strained, and everything since changed. Including the relationship between James and myself…”
Without realising his actions, Remus had walked over to the bed and sat on it. Tenderly he stroked the sheets. Memories flooded into him. “James…”
“Remy?” James poked his head into the dorm room and looked around. He only saw Sirius sitting glumly on his bed. Sirius attempted to do his Potions assignment but couldn’t concentrate. Glancing toward the door, Sirius said, “He’s not here.”
James let out a huge sigh of frustration. He then stepped into the room, closed the door behind him, and leaned against it. “Bugger.” James paused before asking, “Any idea where he might be? I mean I checked every possible location such as the library, main hall, classrooms after classrooms, even Hagrid’s hut, and he’s nowhere to be found.”
Sirius didn’t say anything.
“Damn, Filch. Why did he have to take our map? That’d be so helpful now.”
Another round of silence elapsed. James glared at Sirius. “Don’t you care about Remus at all?”
“Of course I care,” Sirius looked up with a surprised look. “But after trying to convince him for weeks that I am truly sorry about all this Snape crap and receiving the cold shoulder, I’ve left him alone.”
“You’ve left him alone? That’s nice, Padfoot. Real nice.”
“Well, what else am I supposed to do, Prongs?” Sirius got up from his bed and paced around the room. “I’ve tried, okay?”
James closed his eyes as he remembered how awful Remus had felt about the whole incident the day after. “Yes, you tried. While you may be giving up, I’m not.” James turned around and opened the door. He was surprised to see Peter outside. “Hey, Peter. Any idea where Moony is?”
Peter looked unsure. “I don’t know, James. He hardly has been around since that day. It’s been three weeks since it happened. I guess this hit him harder than we expected.”
Shrewdly, Peter looked hard at James and Sirius. “I have to admit it was scary. I never thought Remus would really lose control like that. He really seemed like a beast then…”
With a glare, James shoved him not so lightly. “He’s not a beast! He can’t help what he is!”
Peter whimpered pathetically and said, “I know. I’m not offending Remus, James. It’s just that … it was scary.”
“I guess so.” James walked around him and was about the descend the stairs when Peter piped up, “Maybe he’s at the shack. Maybe that’s a sanctuary for him.”
Stopping in his stride, James contemplated the last line. “Yes. Why didn’t we see this before? Peter, you are a genius for once.” Without another word, James dashed off to the shack.
Remus was on the floor, and he threw his Arithmancy book. He’d been working on his schoolwork all day in the shack. He was unable to really be with the other Marauders after all that had happened. He felt like a failure. Remus tried to talk with Severus about the whole incident, but Severus refused to listen or even be in the same proximity with him. Sirius was the cause of all this. During the first couple days, Remus felt anger toward one of his best friend. However as time passed by, the anger turned into something more of weariness. He couldn’t see Sirius, James, or Peter the same way anymore. In fact, he couldn’t view himself the previous way either.
“Remus,” he thought to himself, “you are nothing but a beast. You almost killed someone that day. Why can’t you have more control over yourself? The Ministry is right. All werewolves are killers with no concerns over their actions. I should be locked up, or maybe I should be killed instead.
“This shack is an excellent place to be locked up in. I should have done this sooner. Confine myself in this place and be a loner. Then I wouldn’t have been able to hurt anyone with my curse. Sirius… I was a fool to trust him. That means I’m a fool to trust the others too. Severus hates my guts now. Just when we were about to become friends.
“I can’t believe I almost killed him…and James. Thank goodness for James. If it wasn’t for him…James. How does he feel about me now that he has seen what I am capable of? Disgust? Most likely. I know Peter is frightened of me now. I can see it in his eyes. Sirius just wants to be forgiven, but he doesn’t realise the full circumstance of what he has done. James. I can’t figure him out. I don’t know if I want to know what he thinks of me. If he does think of me in a disgusting way, I don’t blame him. But to think that someone I love thinks of me that way. I’d rather not know.
“Who am I kidding? James Potter falling in love with a werewolf? I am just deluding myself. James, the star of our school wouldn’t want me. I am not worthy of him.”
Without realising it, out loud he said, “I am nothing.”
James paused at the opening to the shack when he heard Remus say the last statement. With a sudden surge of rage, he opened the door with a loud bang. Remus looked up in surprise, and then his eyes became shadowed. “What are you doing here, James?”
James gritted his teeth, and retorted, “What are you doing here, Remus?”
“I belong here.”
“No.”
“Excuse me?” Remus asked calmly, not looking up to meet James’ eyes.
“You do not belong here, Remus Lupin. Don’t you think like that.”
“Oh, but I do, James. Don’t deny it.”
Glaring, James walked up to him and yanked him off the floor. “I deny nothing. I’m speaking the bloody truth, and that means you Remus Lupin, belong with the rest of us. Not here.”
Remus let out a gasp when James forced himself to stand up. Now they were face to face, and Remus felt James’ hot breath on his cheek. “James…”
“I heard you before I came in, Remus. You are not a nothing. You are Remus Lupin.”
Remus shook his head. “No, James. No. I am not Remus Lupin. I’m an accursed, good for nothing beast.”
James stepped backward, and Remus felt disappointed from the loss of the warm body. “Remus. You may be a werewolf, but you didn’t ask to be one. If you had asked to be one, then that would make you a beast.”
Sighing, James stepped over to the bed and sat on it. “Quit belittling yourself, Remus. I want you to realise that confining yourself here isn’t going to change who or what you are. Sure the werewolf is a part of you, but I never see the werewolf in you. I just see Remus Lupin, fellow marauder in all the pranks we did, an excellent student who strives to learn knowledge, a wonderful friend who is always there for others, and a sensitive, young man.”
Remus didn’t say anything to James’ lengthy speech.
“Remus, don’t push us away. Don’t lock yourself up as a punishment. It’s not your fault. Sirius is really sorry.”
“I know.”
“Then why do you avoid all of us to avoid him?” James looked up at Remus’ face, wishing he’d make eye contact.
Remus stared off into space. “He may be sorry, but I don’t think I could ever trust him the way I did before. Nothing is the same anymore. That one night changed everything.”
“Including the relationship between you and me?” Remus startled and stared at James trying to decipher what James meant by that.
Looking away he answered, “Yes.”
James frowned at the answer. He walked up close to him once more, and he gently, but firmly, tilted Remus’ head up with his finger. “Then look at me and tell me that. Tell me we have changed.”
The energy between the two men was tense. Electrical current crackled in the small space between them, and all around them. James had a passionate expression on his face, totally opposite from Remus’ weary one. Remus opened his slightly to say something, but nothing came out. James suddenly felt dizzy, and well aware how close they were.
With James’ hand controlling his head, Remus looked into James’ spectacled eyes. “Yes.” And he leaned over the space and gently kissed James’ lip.
James let out a surprised gasp, and felt slightly disappointed when Remus quickly parted away from him. “Now everything has changed. Leave, James.”
“Remus…”
“Go.” This was said neutrally with no emotion behind it.
“You’re not going to give me a chance to tell you how I feel?” James refused to leave just yet.
“I know how you feel, James. This is not what you want.”
“You can’t know that. You could be wrong,” said James, stubbornly.
Remus turned his back to him. “Go. There is someone else out there for you.”
James began to plead, “Will nothing I say will change your mind?”
“Nothing. Go.”
James sighed heavily and left Remus alone. Before he left he said, “Just come back to us, okay? Quit staying in here.”
“Okay.”
James left.
Remus heard James’ footsteps dying away. Once he knew James was out of bound, he went over to the bed and sat on it.
“I did the right thing. He will go to Lily one day. Those two are destined to be together. If James and I were to be lovers, it wouldn’t work out. Yet, just kissing him gives me some pleasure. It satisfied my curiosity on how it feels to kiss him. But we can’t be together, and now our relationship is forever changed.”
He continued to sit on the bed, and he remained that way for a long time.
Remus jolted himself from the memories.
“James…” He curled himself up in a foetal position on the bed and began to weep. He cried for James and Lily, for Sirius and Peter, for Harry, and lastly for himself.