Word Count: 1,082
Rating: R
Category: Humour
Notes: Written for the June 2010 issue of PlayWitch.  This was inspired by prompt #34 at Teddy Fest, but what I had in mind wouldn’t work for that community since this wouldn’t involve Teddy in a relationship!  Still, I must say thank you to Wwmrsweasleydo for coming up with an ingenious prompt!  Many thanks to Luvscharlie for betaing!
Summary: Teddy’s Metamorphmagus skills make him rather hungry.
Pairing: Teddy Lupin/His cock?
Warnings: Too much self-love to one’s penis and the title hints it all!  And this fic is kind of on the crack side.
Dedications: None
Completed Date: June 4, 2010

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Teddy has known for years that he’s a Metamorphmagus where he can change his appearance at will. His nose can grow bigger and longer to match a certain former headmaster, he can change his hair colour and style every minute if he wishes without having to pay any salons, and he can be taller, skinnier, bigger, shorter, and any other adjectives available in the English language.

What has always fascinated him is the fact that he’s able to also change his skin colour. Not only that, but he has discovered he’s capable of changing only certain areas of his body to a particular colour.

He uncovers that peculiarity one day rather unexpectedly. He’s home, at his flat, and he’s bored out of his mind. Plus, it’s hot and humid, and no matter how many Cooling Charms he uses, his flat still feels like a sauna. Fanning himself and sweating immensely, he first strips off his shirt, not caring that beads of sweat are trailing down his firm chest and stomach. Then he loses his trousers, tossing them across the room, his legs feeling sticky and unpleasant; they at least feel a bit cooler as soon as they are released from their constraint!

With only a pair of pants on him, he sags into his leather sofa and watches the telly. Flipping through the channels, he finds an Asian film that shows a bunch of young men trying to do interesting Quidditch-like moves — minus the broom — in a swimming pool. Curious, he watches it, hoping it will cool him down some, but the more he watches, the more he realises he’s still hot as all hell.

Suddenly, he says to his telly, “I need a cold shower. This weather is bloody ridiculous. And I’m talking to the telly. The heat’s definitely getting to me!”

His skin nearly tears off as he removes himself from the sofa, and he drags his heat-stroked body to the showers. The tiles give his feet a nice chill he enjoys for a minute, and he takes off his final article of clothing — his pants. Now utterly naked and vulnerable to some sex-crazed freaks out in the world, he stares at his reflection in the mirror. He looks like his normal self — turquoise hair all looking damped against his forehead and neck; golden brown eyes that appears exhausted from the telly overdose; beautifully tanned skin which shows off his well-toned “sexy swimmer’s body” (as Lily calls it); and a nicely-sized, flaccid cock greets him. For a minute, his cock captures his eyes, and out of nowhere, he wonders if it’s possible to change his cock to a certain colour.

He knows he can make his cock bigger and wider if he wishes, which is always popular with both the men and the women he runs with, but he’s never tried to make it change colour before. And really, there’s nothing stopping him, so why not? But first, in order for him to see the colour easily, he decides to stroke himself to hardness.

Moaning out loud, he squeezes some lotion onto his hands, and he grabs his cock with one hand and his balls with the others, and he tugs and massages himself into an erect state. His cock comes alive slowly, and he watches through half-lidded eyes at the way it becomes aroused. With a lazy pace, he strokes and pumps his length, and it isn’t long until he decides he’s ready to try his experiment.

He inhales deeply, and he concentrates on the first colour in his mind.

It’s purple, and his cock does changes into a dark indigo shade. When he sees it, he first feels like royalty since purple is associated with the kings and the queens, right? Yet upon a much closer inspection of the purple phallus in the middle of his body, he comes to the conclusion that this colour makes his cock resemble an eggplant.

And he absolutely and positively hates eggplants.

Quickly, before he gags, he changes it to green — the same hue matching Harry’s eyes. Another food came into his mind, and he thinks of cucumbers. Except his cock doesn’t have those bumpy ridges, which is probably a good thing. If his cock ever develops the ridges, he will worry that he’s contracted some deadly, incurable disease.

At least he doesn’t mind cucumber as a food, though.

Next colour on his mind is orange, and he develops a huge craving for Cheetos Puffs or carrots, especially the big, fat juicy ones he sees at the Korean supermarket. Swiftly, he changes to another colour because he really doesn’t want to think of food right now.

Unfortunately, though, his colour association only brings him more thoughts of food, food, and food.

Pink reminds him of candy floss — a skinny candy floss but candy floss nonetheless, while black makes him think of liquorice in the form of long tubes. It’s strange that he’s even thinking of sweets — he doesn’t even like sweets that much!

Again, he hastily gets rid of all thoughts of pink and black, and he thinks of blue, and blue potatoes come into his mind. He’s only tried it once, when someone his grandmother knows from South America had brought them some. He recalls eating that as a unique experience, and he enjoyed it, surprisingly.

At least, maybe now, he won’t think of disgusting food, and he’s pleased to see that the last four colours make him think of his favourite foods. He ends up wanting bangers after his cock turns red, and he decides that tonight will be bangers and mash night. With a white cock, cauliflowers pop in his mind, and as his favourite vegetable, he decides to have it with his bangers and mash, along with shitake mushrooms when his cock’s colour transforms to brown. And for dessert? Something dealing with bananas.

He sighs and stares at his yellow cock — its colour the pride and symbol of his house at Hogwarts — and he decides enough is enough. “I’ve come for a cold shower, and now I really need a cold shower. Otherwise, I’ll have blue balls for the rest of my life!”

Thus ends his Technicolor experiments, and thus begins his quest for the world’s fastest shower as hunger claims him. When he finishes, he shivers, glad he’s finally cool, and he wraps a towel around him as he dashes off to the kitchen to prepare his meal.